


Learn how to love you right

by DeathStarryNight



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben needs to get his life together, Coffee Shops, F/M, HEA, Healthy Relationships, Not a meet cute, Post-Break Up, but all is well in the end, hurt and recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-09 14:04:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18639586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathStarryNight/pseuds/DeathStarryNight
Summary: Ben Solo is a mess.  He has always been a mess, but now he thinks he has hit rock bottom.  Rey left him.  He understands why.  And now he has to figure out how to pick up the pieces of his life.Or, Rey breaks up with Ben and he has to turn himself into a functioning human being to find his way back to her.Warning: this fic has brief drug use and arguably a little bit of self harm (punching a mirror)





	1. Do I make you cringe now?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I hope you enjoy this fic that I wrote in two sittings. It struck me that I see a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms between Rey and Ben in fic (no offense to any other authors...I love these works too!) and I wanted to give them a shot at having a healthy relationship. So, here we are. An attempt. Hope you like it! It's done, so I'll be updating daily.

Ben Solo sat at the bar and sipped his fourth neat whiskey with the sole purpose of getting hammered out of his mind.  The bartender, a stranger that he had never seen before in his life, shot him a concerned look.  Ben ignored him but couldn’t blame him.  He knew that he had spent the better part of the last three hours staring at the wall full of neon beer signs as if it could give him the answers to his fucked-up life.  He’d tip the man well for not asking nosy questions.  There were several bars he could go to if he wanted sympathetic glances or, in the case of Chewie, a wake-up slap.

However, he did not want either of those things.  He wanted to drink himself into oblivion and forget the events of the last month.  Actually, he wanted to drown out a single event that had occurred, according to his sudden interest in dates and calendars, exactly one month ago.

He had not succeeded. 

With every sip of whiskey, the memory replayed in his head again and again.  Like a car crash, his morbid fascination wouldn’t let him look away.  Almost as if he had some twisted drive to watch his life fall apart over and over until he discerned some meaning in it.

Because she had been the best part of his life.  And he knew how cliché he sounded even as he thought it, but there was no other way to describe her.  The sheer, powerful, blinding joy of her presence.  Another cliché: he had also never deserved her. 

When she had walked out of his life, he had shattered a mirror with a flying fist.  But he couldn’t blame her.  Rey had been the single beam of golden light in his life.  When she left, he shattered into as many pieces as his bathroom mirror.

On paper, their relationship had never made any sense.  That he knew.  Rey was a schoolteacher who worked in one of the worst districts around after a stint in Teach for America.  She called herself a scavenger, searching for those little pieces of meaning in each of her students and polishing them until they shined.  And they thrived under her care.  She’d even been recognized by the Representative for their district for her success.  Which was, oddly enough, how they met.

Because that Representative happened to be his mother.  He hadn’t even wanted to attend that party and had not attended another since.  But in a stroke of good luck, he scrounged up some decency and went and met the most stunning woman he’d ever seen.

But Ben was just about the farthest thing you could find from a virtuous and dedicated schoolteacher.  He worked as a lawyer for one of the most cutthroat firms in the business: Snoke & Associates.  He’d been hired on straight out of law school, accepted to spite his parents, and got sucked into the vortex of competition. 

No, on paper, they made no sense.  Why would an elite lawyer with more money than he knew how to handle want to date an unknown schoolteacher?  In reality, their relationship made even less sense, but the scales tipped the other way.  Why would such a wonderful person (because Rey really was) want to be with the man who did things like…punch a bathroom mirror?

In the end, he supposed, she hadn’t.  She’d warned him off Snoke & Associates from the start, but he had brushed off her concerns.

And then the fateful day came.  The one he could not stop replaying in his head again and again.

They’d met in a coffee shop after she got off work.  Not unusual for them.  Moon of Endor was a common haunt for them since it served one of the best coffees around and Ben was partial to their Half Moon.  At first, it had seemed like any other post-work meet-up.  They lived busy lives.  She had grading to do, he would go back to the office for a few hours, they’d see each other on the weekend.

As soon as he spotted her, sitting with her coffee clutched between her hands and one already out for him, he knew something was different.  Her face spelled resolve.  Her hands held her coffee almost like she’d sat down for a job interview.  Professional, clean, reserved.  He knew that look.

“We need to talk, Ben,” she said, her eyes raking over his bruised knuckles.  He’d punched a wall when something didn’t go his way.  He took a deep sip of his coffee to settle his nerves.  “I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t handle this anymore.”

She’d laid it out for him like the plot to one of her favorite classic novels, the ones she taught to her students.  When she’d met him, he’d been a little unstable, but nothing like this.  He’d grown violent, angry, impulsive.  He’d broken several things recently.  He hid his bruised knuckles with his other hand almost reflexively, as if to hide the evidence.  Her eyes brimmed with tears as she spoke, but with her iron will she held them back.

“You’re breaking up with me.”  He’d thrown those words at her like an accusation when they bit his tongue. 

“Yes, Ben, I am.  Snoke is poisoning you,” she said, clutching that coffee cup.  He couldn’t meet her eyes.  “I’ve tried to talk to you about this before, but you won’t listen when it comes to him.  I can tolerate many things, but I will not stand by and let you destroy yourself.  I will not be a part of that.”

“I’m not a child,” he snapped, that familiar anger rising inside of him already.  Perhaps, somewhere buried very deep, he recognized the truth of her words.  The ugliness in him reared its dreadful head to confront him.  He couldn’t see clearly, couldn’t even think past the pain ebbing its way through him.  And fear.  He didn’t know what he would do without her.  She had been, in many ways, his only impulse control.

“No, you’re not.  And neither am I.  It’s not fair, Ben, for you to expect me to pick up the pieces when you crumble.  I will support you, help you, love you, but I cannot act as your only barrier.  I am not your conscience.  I’m not sure you have one anymore.  No,” she corrected herself at once with a shake of your head.  “I didn’t mean that.  I _know_ you have one, I just don’t think you listen to it anymore.”

“I can sort this out,” he said in desperation.  He would do anything, become anything, if she would just stay with him.

Her eyes, when they met his, were full of sympathy.  “I know you can.  I sincerely hope you will.  But this isn’t about me.  This is about you.  Not becoming who I want you to be but becoming what you need to be.”

She got up to leave then and he followed her half in agony to the door and outside.  “Please, Rey.”

A stray tear slipped down her cheek, the only sign that this moved her as much as it did him.  “Ben, I love you.  That has not changed.  You need to sort yourself out…without me.  Figure out who you want to be.  If it’s the monster you’re turning into…I’m genuinely sorry for that.  If it’s something else, find that for yourself.  And I hope we talk again one day.”

Rey had given him a chaste kiss on his cheek and slipped through his fingers.  She left him clutching at the air and gasping to pull breath into his lungs.  Ripped the carpet from beneath his feet and taken it with her too. 

Ben shoved the empty whiskey glass away from him and stood on unsteady feet.

“Need me to call you a cab, man?” the bartender asked, eyeing his wobbly gate and probably plotting to take his keys.

“No need,” he muttered.  “Flat’s upstairs.”

He made it back into his stark apartment, stumbled to the bathroom, and splashed cold water on his face.  He stared at his reflection in the new mirror he’d replaced the shattered one with.  He didn’t recognize the face that looked back at him.

She’d been right after all.


	2. I don't remember your face, or your hair, or your name, or your smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben hits rock bottom and Phasma has to talk some sense into him
> 
> Chapter title from Hallucinogenics - Stripped by Matt Meason

Rock bottom…they said you always knew when you hit it.  Ben figured rock bottom lay somewhere with him on the couch, high out of his mind on a concoction of pills that had been far too easy to acquire.  After two months of overindulging, even he had to concede that the alcohol didn’t take the edge off.  A reasonable person, perhaps, would have cut his losses and called it quits when the amount of alcohol threatened to permanently damage his liver.

Ben Solo had never been a reasonable person.

He’d graduated to harder substances.  Even through all those years running with a wealthy crowd, he had never touched such a thing.  In his living room, he took his best guess at a safe number of pills and hoped they would help him forget the sound of her laugh and her footsteps in the kitchen.

The room grew blurry and fiery around him at once.  He laid back and sighed, relaxed, relieved…free, finally.  The ghosts faded around him.  Nothing remained but the stark whiteness of his ceiling.  Small ridges crossed it like the Grand Canyon.  No footsteps stirred in the kitchen.  No ratty t-shirts sat folded in his closet.  No worn Converse waited by the door.  No laughter echoed through his empty rooms. 

Peace.  Finally.

Until he heard footsteps not in the kitchen but right next to him.  A dip in the couch beside him and warmth against his arm.  He tore his eyes away from the canyons forming in his ceiling.  They landed on…her.  He groaned and threw a pillow over his face.

“You’re not here,” he told her, his voice muffled by the fabric over his face.  She had picked those pillows.  He threw it into the opposite wall and heard a picture frame fall and shatter.  “Why can’t you leave me the fuck alone?”

She smiled at him.  A pitying smile.  She’d never looked at him like that before.  Ever.  Not even when she’d left him in that damned coffee shop.  “You don’t want me to, even if I could.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“You’re holding onto me, Ben,” she said seriously.  “Yet you still haven’t listened.”

“I listened.  I’m a terrible person.  I know that already.”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, her brown hair dancing around her face.  “No, no, that’s not it at all.  I told you that you were destroying yourself.  And look at you.”  She gestured to him sprawled out on the couch.  “You’ve gotten even worse.”

“What do you want me to do about it?”

“ _Something_ for a change.  You act like everything happens _to_ you.  News flash, Ben.  You’ve done this to yourself.  You made these choices. You can change them.”

“Just leave me alone,” he groaned, regretting throwing that pillow.  “What if I don’t want to change?”

Ghost-Rey frowned and looked over him once again.  “If you keep going like this much longer, you won’t have a choice.”

He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes.  When he opened them again, she had vanished and left nothing behind but broken glass.  Same as last time.

 

“You look like shit,” Gwen Phasma said as she sat down across from him at a very different coffee shop that did not ring any bells whatsoever.  On the other hand, she looked fantastic, as usual.  Her short blonde hair had been slicked into a neat and stylish cut.  She wore tailored jeans and an expensive shirt, although they’d agreed to meet on a Saturday.

“Thank you, Phas.  I appreciate that assessment,” he groused at her and took a deep sip of a coffee that was decidedly not a Half Moon.

She rolled her eyes, but behind the façade, he sensed real concern.  “Well, at least you finally answered your goddamn phone.”

“It’s been a rough few weeks,” he muttered, hoping she would drop _that_ line of questioning.

“No, you’ve just been an immense ass and you’re paying for it.”  He raised his eyebrows at her, because it sounded an awful lot like she knew what had happened.  Ben Solo was not certain about many things at the moment, but he was certain that he had not told Phasma or anyone else what Rey had said to him.  She relented after a moment of letting him stew in his curiosity.  “When you didn’t answer your phone for a month, I got worried and called Rey.  She told me what happened.”

He winced at the sound of her name.  “Is this supposed to help me somehow?”

“ _This_ is me checking in on you and trying to discern just how far you’ve fallen,” Gwen snapped at him, her voice that razor tone she used with anyone who crossed her.  But then, her tone softened.  “Ben, I’m worried about you.  Nothing has ever affected you this much.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” he answered.  “Rey was different.”

Gwen tapped a rhythm on her coffee cup as she considered what to say next.  “Have you given any thought to what she said?”

“Given it any thought?  Christ, Gwen, what else have I been thinking about?”  He buried his face in his hand. 

“Fine,” she said, unbothered by his tone.  He imagined they must look quite the pair: him looking on the verge of death and Phasma as polished and put together as usual.  “Have you _done_ anything about it?”

“About what?” he said.  “Rey’s gone, Phas.  What’s the point?  What’s the point of any of it?”  He had the sudden urge to punch the window next to him and see if his force alone would shatter the glass.

“You’re such an idiot,” she whispered, half to herself, and shook her head at him.  “Yes, Rey broke up with you.  Get a grip, Ben.  There’s still a chance.”

He looked up from his hands.  “A chance?  Of what?”

“Of keeping Rey,” she said at last as if that had been obvious from the start.  “Isn’t that what you want?”

“She said that?” He sat up straight for the first time since their coffee date started.  For once, he felt grateful that he had not punched the window.  Rey wouldn’t like it if he punched the window.  “How do you know?”

Phasma gave him an unbearably pitying look.  It reminded him of the one Ghost Rey had given him the night before, when he’d been high out of his mind.  “She about said as much.  You’ve just been too dense to get it.  She’s giving you time and space to sort yourself out.  You can’t keep using her as a crutch and, I see, you still are.  You even look better after I told you that.  It’s pathetic, Ben.” 

He shriveled under his friend’s piercing glare.  She was right.  Rey was right too.  He was a goddamned fool and a monster.  And he had done it to himself.  He buried his face in his hands again.  “I don’t know what to do, Phas.  I don’t know where to start.  I’ve never been the kind of person she deserves.”

“You can be,” she said.  “I’m not guaranteeing anything, but I know Rey loves you.  Even if you don’t win her back, you will at least be a better and, good God, a _healthier_ person than you are now.  Do you really want to go on like this?  Your whole life is hanging by a thread.”

“Where do I start?” he asked weakly.  What should he even tackle first?  There were so many sharp edges to his personality that he had never bothered to work on.  Most of the time, everyone let him get by with those.  He had enough power or enough influence or enough money.  Hell, even just his name could be enough sometimes.  Not Rey.  None of those things had meant a single thing to her.  From the perspective he now had, he realized how empty his life must have seemed to her.

“Start with the thing that does the most damage,” Gwen said.  “And then move on to the next down the list.  And the next, and the next, and the next.  Until you’re satisfied.”

Ben remained silent for a long moment.  Hell, that made a long list.  As if reading his thoughts, Phasma slid a piece of paper and a pen over to him.  He stared at the blank surface until he must have driven her mad.  But, finally, he picked up the pen and started the list.  Number one: drugs and alcohol.  He heard Phasma exhale across the table from him.  When he looked up, she had her eyes closed, a pained look crumpling her beautiful face.

“God, Ben, drugs?  You sank that low?”

“I think I’m the new definition of rock bottom,” he said.  “I do still have a job.  But…”

She opened her eyes.  “But…” she echoed.  “As a former employee of Snoke & Associates, I think we both know what goes next on that list.”

Number Two: job.

Number Three: violent impulses.

Number Four: anger.

Number Five: relationship with family.

He stopped writing when he reached number twenty.  God, that really was a long list.  He knew he would add more by the end of the day as they came to him.  But Phasma nodded with approval.  It was a start, at least.  More of a start than he had made so far.

“That’s good, Ben,” she encouraged him.  “Now that you have this list, you have to do something about it.  Don’t just let it sit.”

“I won’t,” he said, standing up from the table right then.  He had a new kind of energy buzzing in him, something he hadn’t felt in two months.  He wanted to get started before that energy wore off and he sank back into oblivion and a drug-induced haze.  He paused and turned back to Phasma, who had stood up from the table with a small smile.  “Phas…thanks.  I mean it.  I know I’m really going to be grateful to you eventually.  Remind me then and I’ll find a way to repay you.”

She waved him off.  “Just get yourself sorted, Ben.”

He nodded and left the café with the list clutched in his hand.

Ben went back to his apartment and threw out every bottle of alcohol and every pill he could find, hauling the whole mess down to the dumpster so he could not reconsider in a moment of weakness.  He went grocery shopping and made himself a proper dinner for the first time in two months.  He threw out the piles of take-out boxes.

And on Monday, Ben Solo walked into work and handed Snoke his two weeks’ notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Do I look moderate to you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You want me to love you in moderation. Do I look moderate to you?"
> 
> Chapter title from Florence + the Machine, "Moderation"

Rey would not have recognized the Ben Solo that walked into the yoga studio on a fall afternoon six months later.  For one, the Ben Solo she’d known would have never been caught dead in a yoga studio.  Rey did that sort of thing sometimes when she had time, which was rare.  Ben was more the kind of person to go to the gym and lift weights to sustain his six-pack.  He did less of that, but more cardio, more yoga, and more laps in the pool.

The sudden interest in yoga, however, constituted the smallest change in Ben Solo.

On an unusually warm spring day, he had marched into Snoke’s office, handed in his resignation letter, and never looked back.  But he had done this without much of a plan besides ridding himself of the burden of Snoke’s influence.  The day he packed up his desk and took his meager belongings home had been one of the happiest days of his life to date.  He took that as a positive sign.

But what had followed had been less than easy.  He had some money stashed away but not enough to sustain the life he’d grown accustomed to living without his ample paycheck.  And so, the next step, which had not even been on the list but which he figured rolled into quitting his job, was moving out of his costly apartment and into something more manageable. 

He moved instead into a small condo in a nice, walkable, and quiet neighborhood in Brooklyn.  If his coworkers had seen the place he moved into then, they would have laughed or cringed.  He would have let them.  But once he’d made that move, he ran up against another barrier.  His furniture looked totally ridiculous in a snug, cozy condo instead of his smooth and sleek apartment.  So, he sold that and bought a couch that was actually comfortable.

And then came the matter of finding a new job.  He took a few weeks off to figure out what he wanted to do.  As soon as word had spread that he’d quit his job with Snoke, headhunters had been calling him and sending him emails left and right, all for other big, corporate law firms engaged in much the same work as he’d been doing before.  It was tempting, especially with the paycheck they promised him, but he turned down everyone.  And, for the first time in his life, Ben Solo sat back and really _thought_ about what he wanted to be when he grew up.

The answer came to him in the form of Holdo & Kanata.  He’d known both women for most of his life in that vague way you know the associates of your parents who only drop by occasionally.  But he’d always dismissed them as that do-good kind of lawyer that only took on hopeless cases and therefore had a terrible record.

He quickly found out how wrong he’d been.  Part of his assumptions rang true.  They _did_ only take on cases that no one else would do and most of their work was _pro bono_ , but they had a tremendous record.  And they were in need of a contracts lawyer.  To this day, he didn’t know why they had sent him that email offering him an interview.  To this day, he didn’t know why he’d accepted.  To this day, he was grateful that both of those things had happened.  He soon found himself with a job, a much smaller paycheck, and immersed in his element again.  He thrived.

Not that there hadn’t been hiccups along the way.  He’d slipped soon after he moved into his condo and bought a bottle of whiskey, which he drained too quickly and ended up hurling in his new bathroom.  That same bathroom had taken more abuse soon after, when Hux had taunted him for leaving Snoke’s and he’d broken the mirror (again).  But both of those things had been months ago.

No, the Ben Solo who walked into the yoga studio on a brisk Saturday with his long hair tied back at the top was a different creature altogether.  He entered the room and did not look in the mirrors that lined every wall.  They always made him a little uncomfortable.  He laid out his mat beside Mitaka’s, the only other man who regularly attended these classes.  Mit nodded to him and resumed his stretching and breathing.  Ben did the same.  The two men rarely spoke, but they had a sort of shared understanding that came with being just slightly the odd ones out.

When class ended, Ben rolled up his mat again and headed for the door, exchanging pleasantries with Mit along the way.  Only when he stepped out onto the street did one of the women from the class catch up with him.  He thought perhaps he knew her name.  Katie.  No, that wasn’t right.  It was an odd name.  And she only wore her hair in two buns on the sides of her head.  That was the extent of his knowledge about her.  Kaydel, that was it. 

“Hey,” she said.  “Ben, isn’t it?”  She did not wait for him to answer.  “I was just wondering if maybe you’d like to get a drink sometime or something?  You know, like a date?”

He stared at her for what was probably far too long.  In truth, his brain short-circuited.  He’d made a lot of progress in the last few months, but dating had not even been on his radar.  He could not fathom dating anyone other than Rey.  The very thought of it made him cringe.  Going out to eat, holding hands… _kissing_ anyone besides Rey?  He couldn’t possibly.  But Kaydel still waited for his answer.

“I’m flattered,” he said and hoped his tone sounded pleasant and not terrified.  “I am.  But I’m not really in a good place for a relationship and I don’t do casual.  I hope you understand.”

Her face fell, but she had the good graces to not push him.  Instead, she nodded.  “I get it.  Thanks for being honest, though.”

“Yeah.  Anyway, see you next week,” he said and turned to go.  He didn’t say _maybe some other time_ , because he fully planned for there to never be another time.  He had thought about a lot of things in the past few months, talked about some of them with his therapist, but Rey had never left his thoughts.  She’d left her mark.  He had no intentions of ever finding someone else.  Perhaps that still left him in an unhealthy place, perhaps he would move on in time.  But not now.  Not with Kaydel.

He went home and busied himself with anything and everything he could think of.

 

The February air blew thick and fast around him as he stepped out of his yoga class, nodding to Mit and Kaydel as they each went their respective ways.  He’d changed inside the studio and let down his hair, the better to brave the cold, but it still seeped straight through his coat.  _It was a day like this when Rey left_ , he thought.  Indeed, they had passed the year mark since that fateful day.  He tried not to think about it too much.  A pang still came to his heart every time he did, although it had dulled a little with time.

Despite the cold, he took his time walking home.  And that was when he saw Moon of Endor.  Just the sight of the coffee shop made his thoughts leap back to the last time he’d set foot there.  He had never been back, partially because the memory of Rey’s face when she’d dumped him still hurt, partially because he feared running into Rey there.  It had been one of their spots.  Perhaps it still was one of hers.

But, God, did he want a Half Moon…and it was so cold…and it was unlikely that he would run into Rey there.  He didn’t even know if she lived in the area anymore.  He chastised himself.  He had to stop avoiding every place that reminded him even a little bit of Rey.  He had to stop living like every place she’d ever set foot in remained haunted.  With a resolute sigh, he marched across the street and into Moon of Endor before he could think better of it.

When he stepped inside, the first thing he did was look around all the faces in line and waiting for their coffee and seated throughout the shop.  One girl had short-ish brown hair that reminded him a little of Rey’s, but it wasn’t her.  Only then did he breathe a sigh of relief.  He stepped up to the counter and hoped he didn’t look totally ridiculous.

Ben stepped to the side and waited for his coffee, scrolling through the News app on his phone as he did so.  He’d just grab this delicious coffee (he’d missed it so much) and go home.  He didn’t even look over to the corner where they’d sat the last time.  He didn’t even think about it (too much).  He…

“Ben?”  He turned at the sound of his name.  It had not come from the barista behind the counter but behind him.  He dragged his eyes from the phone and…oh, shit.  Rey.  “Ben Solo, is that really you?”

He took in her appearance in several long blinks.  It took his mind a few years to catch up.  Sweet fuck, this place really was haunted.  Or he had finally cracked and hallucinated.  No, someone stood behind her, clearly with her.  His heart sank.  A man.  She’d come with her boyfriend.  His first reaction was betrayal.  How could she bring her new boyfriend to a place that had been _theirs_?  The place where they’d left their mark when she shattered his heart?  He took several deep breaths like his therapist had taught him and did _not_ punch a mirror.  He backtracked.  Maybe this guy wasn’t her boyfriend at all.

So, instead of punching something, he breathed, “Rey?”

“Rey, honey,” the guy said, and his heart sank all over again.  “What do you want?”

_Full Moon_ , he almost said automatically.  He still knew her coffee order by heart.  But he did not, because he wasn’t filling that role anymore.  “Full Moon,” she said without taking her eyes off him.  Finally, she shook herself.  “Right, Poe, this is Ben.”  Poe’s eyebrows shot up as if he’d heard that name before.  “Ben, this is Poe.”

Her boyfriend.  But Ben did not punch something.  Instead, he breathed deeply and gave Poe a cordial handshake.  The new boyfriend grinned, and Ben noticed belatedly that Poe was decidedly more attractive than he himself.  “Nice to meet you,” Ben said. 

“Ben, I…” Rey started when Poe left to order their coffee.  “It’s really good to see you.”

He still hadn’t quite wrapped his head around the idea of her having a boyfriend.  Not that he’d expected her to just wait around for him or something.  “It’s good to see you too, Rey.  How have you been?”

“Good,” she said, her eyes roving over him.  “Pretty good.  You?  Wait, is that a yoga mat?”

Her eyes had lighted on the strap he had slung over his shoulder.  “Oh, yeah, I was just at class.”

Her eyes sparkled.  “Ben Solo does yoga now?  I never thought I’d hear that.”

Ben grinned a little under her gaze and shrugged.  God, it felt good to have her near him again, just to talk to her.  He’d _missed_ her.  “It’s calming.”

The barista did call his name then, and he reached back for his drink.  “Half Moon?” she asked, eyeing the drink he now held.  “You still drink that swill?”

_First time in a year_ , he almost said.  “It’s not that different from your drink.”

Rey made a face.  “It is and you know it.”

The barista called her name next, although Poe had not rejoined them.  Maybe he recognized the sensitivity of the meeting and stayed off to the side.  Ben liked him for that intuition.  With both of their drinks in hand, they no longer had a reason to linger.  Rey seemed to realize this as well. 

It still took her a long time to say, “it’s been good seeing you, Ben.”

She turned to go and rejoin Poe.  A sudden panic seized his chest.  If she walked away now, who knew when he would see her again?  He caught her wrist before she could leave and then dropped it as if he’d been burned.  She turned back anyway, a question in her eyes.

“Wait, Rey, can we…can we talk?  Not now, of course, but soon?  I’m not…asking you on a date, or anything, I don’t expect…can we just talk?” he fumbled with his words, but whatever came out of his mouth seemed to do the trick. 

She nodded.  A small, hesitant smile played on her lips.  “How’s Thursday?”

He couldn’t at that moment remember what he had on Thursday but decided he did not care.  “Sure.  Here?  At six?” 

It seemed somehow poetic to talk again in the place she’d dumped him.  And now he knew she still lived close enough to get their easily.  She nodded again.  “See you on Thursday, Ben.”

Thursday.  He did not watch her go sit across from Poe at a table.  He left the coffee shop as if it had indeed become haunted.

After Thursday, he was sure it always would be for him, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who are reading this! Comments and kudos make my day. [Insert shameless plug for my Hogwarts Reylo fic here] :)


	4. Did I build this ship to wreck?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We reach the end, dear readers. Except there might be an epilogue in the works in the future :)
> 
> Title from "Ship to Wreck" by Florence and the Machine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, ok, ok, I am so sorry and embarrassed! I posted the wrong chapter last night, so if you read this and were totally confused that's why!! That's what I get for posting two updates in one night when I'm not feeling well. Anyway...enjoy the ACTUAL last chapter to this work, if you can still bear with me. I promise I triple checked this time.
> 
> Just a surprise secret advertisement for my other current fic ;)

As he sat in Moon of Endor, waiting for Rey to arrive, he had a strong sense of Déjà vu but in reverse.  The table he sat at was not the same, although it also bordered on the windows.  The other table had been open when he walked in, but he had avoided even looking at it.  Superstitious to think it: that table felt like bad luck.  Two college-aged women had sat down at it and started talking animatedly.  All the same, he sat with his cup of coffee clutched in his hands, one set out at the opposite seat for her.  It felt…right.  Appropriate.

He began to question his decision to arrive early.  It hadn’t been so much a decision, really, but an impulse to get there as soon as possible.  Rey was not late, but now he hoped her coffee wouldn’t cool before she arrived.

The small bell over the door rang.  He resisted the urge to turn around and check if she had arrived.  A moment later, though, she breezed by him with a light touch to his shoulder, unwinding a scarf from her neck and apologizing.

“I’m so sorry, Ben, the tube was all backed up,” she said.  He almost laughed.  She still called the subway the tube even after all this time.  Take the girl out of Britain but…

“It’s fine,” he said, interrupting his own train of thought.  “I’m just glad you came.”

Ben couldn’t tell if the flush on her cheeks came from the chill in the air or what he’d just said.  She sat in the seat opposite him and took a deep sip from the coffee.  Judging by her sigh of approval, it had not gotten to cold.  “Thanks for the coffee.”

Pleasantries over, they lapsed into silence for a moment.  Ben knew he had to initiate the conversation.  All of this mess lay on his shoulders.  He had rehearsed it a hundred times, a thousand times, but now that she sat in front of him, none of it felt right.  He decided to just go for it and see what came out of his mouth.  Hopefully it would be something better than last time.

“Rey,” he started, and her eyes snapped to his.  He knew he’d been sitting in silence for too long, but she’d been giving him room to think without prompting.  Still the same patient way.  She had always been the most patient person he knew.  “Thank you for meeting me here.  I know we ran into each other out of nowhere and you weren’t really expecting it…”

She smiled softly.  God, he’d missed that smile.  “It’s good to see you, Ben.  You look…good.  How have you been?”

“I’ve been…well, I’ve been a lot of things, honestly.  A jackass, a drunk, a monster, among other things.”  Her brows contracted as if she wanted to contradict him.  “But I think I’ve mostly been good recently.  How have you been?”

Rey looked down, away from him.  “Alright.  Work’s been busy.  This class is a bit of a nightmare.”

He’d wondered.  He’d even missed her evening rants about her students and the problems facing her classroom.  She usually found a way to solve them about halfway through her rant.  He scratched the back of his head.  _I thought I was ready for this_ , he thought to himself.  He’d coached himself, prepared to see her again, but nothing compared to having her there, her hazel eyes trained on him, and everything he loved about her overwhelming him.  He was _not_ ready for this.  He didn’t know if he would ever be ready to not have her in his life.

“Listen, Rey, I just wanted to say thank you,” he said at last.  Her eyebrows shot up, but he held up a finger to prevent her from speaking.  “I know I went down a bad path and a lot of the things I did were not fair to you.  Thank you for putting up with me.  And thank you for caring about me enough to see what I needed and walk away.  I know none of this has been easy for you.”

When she set her coffee cup down, there were tears in her eyes.  He wondered how much the last year had torn her up.  “Will you tell me…” she trailed off and did not resume her question.

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know, Rey,” he prompted, gently.  “Anything.”

“What happened…after…?”  They both knew what _after_ meant.  Was it like that for both of them, then?  A _before_ and an _after_ for that horrendous break?  “I asked Phasma.  I know she checked in on you.  But she refused to tell me, I think for my protection.”

Another thing to thank Phasma for.  “I’m glad.  I wouldn’t have wanted to you feel guilty.”

“It was…bad, then?”

He swallowed hard.  “Yeah.  It was.  I didn’t cope well.  I took up drinking for a while and, when that didn’t cut it anymore, drugs.”  Her eyes widened.  “It was only a couple of times.  Phasma talked some sense into me after that, and I threw them all out first thing.”

She took a deep breath.  “And then?”

He nodded.  “And then I made a list.  Of all the things screwing me up, starting with the worst and leading down.  It was a long list.  And I started working on them one by one.  I won’t pretend it was easy.  I went through some nasty withdrawal after I threw all the alcohol away.  I messed up a few times after that.  But not for months now.”  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his green chip, setting it on the table in front of her.  “That’s my six-month chip.  I’m due up for my ninth next month.”

Rey picked it up reverently, a smile spreading across her face.  “This is wonderful, Ben.  I’m so proud of you. This is such an achievement.”

“I quit my job,” he blurted out.  He had the impulse to tell her everything, every positive change he’d made in his life and every hiccup along the way.  It was all because of her.  “I haven’t worked at Snoke & Associates since April.”

She gazed at him in wonder, still balancing the green chip in her palm.  “How does that feel?”

“Amazing.”  He grinned.  “Fantastic.  One of the best days of my life was packing up my shit and leaving that office for the last time.  I work at Holdo & Kanata now.  It’s mostly _pro bono_ work.  I love it.”  The tears had started dripping down her face and snaking across her smile.  “I started seeing a therapist last summer.  She was the one who suggested the yoga.  I didn’t really want to go, but my mom really pushed me…said it would be good for me.”

“You’re talking to your parents again?” she asked, dashing away her tears with he back of her hand.  She seemed to remember the chip and handed it back to him.

“Oh, yeah.  It took a while to work out our differences, but I see my mom every other week for lunch and dad on the weekends sometimes.” 

She covered his hand with hers.  “I’m really proud of you, Ben.  You seem so much happier and healthier.  You seem like… _you_ , without Snoke or anyone else twisting you up.  Just you.”

“I feel like me,” he confessed.  “I thought a lot about what you said.”  He dropped his eyes from hers.  “I don’t want you to think that I did all of this as some elaborate plan to win you back.  I know why you had to leave and…I can’t say I’m glad you did, but I know I wouldn’t have gotten the wake-up call I needed without that.  So, thank you.”

“You did this, Ben, not me.  And I’m so glad.”

They talked more.  She told him about many things, her friends and job and life.  But mercifully stayed away from mentioning Poe.  He could, he thought, bear the thought of her dating someone else in time, but right now it would feel like a barb to the heart.  They talked until the sky darkened and the shop started closing. 

He walked her outside and into the cold air again.

Rey looked up at him, and it reminded him of all those times she’d given him that exact look before kissing him senseless.  Instead, she bit her lip.  “We should see each other again soon, yeah?”

His heart soared.  That was more than he had ever dared to hope.  “Y-yes, yeah, I would love it.  But…”  He looked down at where his shoes met the pavement rather than into her hazel eyes.  Part of him, it seemed, was still a coward.  “I just think you should know, Rey, I still…I still haven’t changed the way I feel about you.”

He chanced a glance up at her to find her blinking at him in silence.  “You don’t have to say anything,” he continued quickly, before she even could.  “If we’re going to be seeing each other more…I just think you should know that.  I’m not expecting anything.  I know you’ve moved on…found someone else…I’m happy for you, really.  Poe seems like a great guy.  I don’t want you to think that I’m…I just want to be clear…”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence.  She cut off his ramblings by surging up on her toes and kissing him full on the mouth.  For a long moment, he just stood dumbstruck, his mind unable to catch up to what had just happened.  Poe seemed like a nice guy.  He didn’t deserve to be _cheated_ on.  But Rey would never cheat on anyone.  Maybe they broke up?  He realized, belatedly, that he had failed to respond to the kiss through the whirlwind in his mind.  At the last minute, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back.

When she pulled back, she laughed in his face.  “You idiot,” she sighed.  “You complete fool, Ben Solo.  I’m not dating Poe.”

“You…you’re not?  But the other day?  I saw you two…he called you _honey_ …I don’t understand…”  He struggled to find the words. 

“Yeah, I suppose he is sort of affectionate like that with everyone.  But I’m not dating him.  I promise.  I have never dated Poe Dameron.  We’re just friends.”  Her grin still stretched across her cheeks.  He had the urge to kiss her again, but they had to finish this conversation first.

“Are you sure _he_ wants to be friends?” he asked.  Because who would not want to date Rey?  The most amazing woman in the world?  Ben realized too late that he had stuck his foot in her mouth when Rey screwed up her forehead and actually _thought_ about it.  Great, now she might like him after all.

“I’m sure,” she said.  “He’s dating Finn.  You remember Finn, right?”

“Oh,” he said.  “ _Oh_.  So he’s not…so you’re…”

“Single, yep.  Unless you’d like to change that,” Rey said, her eyes softening and her grin turning into something sweeter.  “It’s only ever been you, Ben.  I hoped one day you would find your way back to me.  It’s just you.”

“Then, I would very much like to change your relationship status,” he said and did what he wanted.  Namely, he kissed her with enough force to make up for the year they’d missed.  “Don’t leave again,” he gasped against her lips, the words breaking out without his leave.

“I don’t plan to,” she said.  He kissed her like he would never get another chance.

As it turned out, he got many other chances.


End file.
